Missing Something

My Pastor has been preaching a series called Missing Something. It has been a series that really makes you reflect. I stopped today to remember who I was before I surrendered to Christ. I wasn't a good person, I lied, stole, and cheated my way though life.  I had been neglected and abused in some way my whole life.  After I learned who I was in Christ I started demanding better for myself, I prayed for God to deliver me from the hands of the people who were, at the age of 24, still abusing me. I am not the same abused and broken girl I once was then, but I still have deep wounds that only time and God can heal.
  Pastor Ralph's teachings have been about having The Joy of the Lord, Being Humble, Having Confidence, and Perseverance and Focus.
     The Joy of The Lord; When you think about JOY, you think overwhelming happiness. But the Joy that you have, learn to have, when you are a Child of God, is more of a confidence. It's KNOWING who God is and KNOWING that he uses everything in your life for GOOD.
       Being Humble; A humble person is someone who is grateful and doesn't think too highly of themselves, but for me I believe it is more than that. Being Humble is more for me about Mercy and Grace and well as Gratitude and Honor.
        Confidence isn't about a good self-esteem and who You are ALONE, but about Knowing Who God says you are and Knowing who He is and KNOWING He always does what He says.
         Perseverance and Focus; Well I think this is the simplest of concepts but the hardest in application, well at first and sometimes in the middle and at the end as well.  Keeping your Focus on God when your "world" is crumbling around you. But that's the thing, your world isn't crumbling!  The Enemy whispers those lies trying to get you to take your eyes off of Jesus, forgetting the very important fact that God works EVERYTHING in your life for GOOD. Staying to Fight each Battle to be able to WIN the WAR!!
   When the scars start to open, I need to stay focused on the One Who Saved ME!! The One who cut the chains that bound me to a life of abuse. My Daddy is God and my Big Brother is the Big Bad Jesus him self, and with them being for me, Who can successfully stand against me!

Thank You Pastor Ralph Morris for being obedient to God!

It's Not Fair

I have been doing great, not much on the grief scale lately. Earlier this week I dreamed about Christopher, which was great!! I look forward to the nights when God allows me to spend time with my son. Today though, the simple act of folding a clean blanket brought me to my knees. Now this is no ordinary blanket, it is a Quilt made from Christopher's old t-shirts.  I have decided today that is not fair that God took my son away from me. I wasn't a great mom, someday I wasn't even a good mom but his mom I was. I have been looking forward to all the things mom's get to do with and for their kids, like teaching them to drive, prom, getting their first car, graduating, college, getting married, having children. I was so close to seeing who he would become. What choices he would make regarding his life. The last choice he made regarding his life was to end his life. I wish I could have stopped him, I wish I knew what was in his heart, I wish I knew then what I know now regarding men and how they think, what makes them tick. I didn't know I was going about it all wrong. Right now my pain is so thick that I want to say that God's love doesn't matter, I was just listening to a song that said that no mater whats going on you are not alone and that God cares and loves you and he is always there for you. But sometimes. the pain is so real, so strong, so thick that nothing else matters and the fact that someone loves you, the very someone who could end your pain but won't, hurts you. I know that in 10 mins, an hour, or a day I will feel differently. But today, its not fair that my fourteen year old son killed him self while there are 1000's of women are killing their unborn children or abusing their children or could give a care less if they were alive. I wanted my son, I still want my son alive. He was my reason for living, he was my reason for not using drugs, he saved me from my self when I was 17 year old. I miss my boy. In 3 months he would have turned 16. I miss my boy.  I love you kid! I'll see you on the flip side, until then, ALL MY LOVE!!!

Side note: I love and trust in GOD! He is amazing is all he does, I know that Christopher's time was up and he served his purpose here on earth. This is just an honest account of a grieving mother's head space at this very moment in time.