It's Not Fair

I have been doing great, not much on the grief scale lately. Earlier this week I dreamed about Christopher, which was great!! I look forward to the nights when God allows me to spend time with my son. Today though, the simple act of folding a clean blanket brought me to my knees. Now this is no ordinary blanket, it is a Quilt made from Christopher's old t-shirts.  I have decided today that is not fair that God took my son away from me. I wasn't a great mom, someday I wasn't even a good mom but his mom I was. I have been looking forward to all the things mom's get to do with and for their kids, like teaching them to drive, prom, getting their first car, graduating, college, getting married, having children. I was so close to seeing who he would become. What choices he would make regarding his life. The last choice he made regarding his life was to end his life. I wish I could have stopped him, I wish I knew what was in his heart, I wish I knew then what I know now regarding men and how they think, what makes them tick. I didn't know I was going about it all wrong. Right now my pain is so thick that I want to say that God's love doesn't matter, I was just listening to a song that said that no mater whats going on you are not alone and that God cares and loves you and he is always there for you. But sometimes. the pain is so real, so strong, so thick that nothing else matters and the fact that someone loves you, the very someone who could end your pain but won't, hurts you. I know that in 10 mins, an hour, or a day I will feel differently. But today, its not fair that my fourteen year old son killed him self while there are 1000's of women are killing their unborn children or abusing their children or could give a care less if they were alive. I wanted my son, I still want my son alive. He was my reason for living, he was my reason for not using drugs, he saved me from my self when I was 17 year old. I miss my boy. In 3 months he would have turned 16. I miss my boy.  I love you kid! I'll see you on the flip side, until then, ALL MY LOVE!!!

Side note: I love and trust in GOD! He is amazing is all he does, I know that Christopher's time was up and he served his purpose here on earth. This is just an honest account of a grieving mother's head space at this very moment in time.