Thursday, April 11, 2013

It's Not Fair

I have been doing great, not much on the grief scale lately. Earlier this week I dreamed about Christopher, which was great!! I look forward to the nights when God allows me to spend time with my son. Today though, the simple act of folding a clean blanket brought me to my knees. Now this is no ordinary blanket, it is a Quilt made from Christopher's old t-shirts.  I have decided today that is not fair that God took my son away from me. I wasn't a great mom, someday I wasn't even a good mom but his mom I was. I have been looking forward to all the things mom's get to do with and for their kids, like teaching them to drive, prom, getting their first car, graduating, college, getting married, having children. I was so close to seeing who he would become. What choices he would make regarding his life. The last choice he made regarding his life was to end his life. I wish I could have stopped him, I wish I knew what was in his heart, I wish I knew then what I know now regarding men and how they think, what makes them tick. I didn't know I was going about it all wrong. Right now my pain is so thick that I want to say that God's love doesn't matter, I was just listening to a song that said that no mater whats going on you are not alone and that God cares and loves you and he is always there for you. But sometimes. the pain is so real, so strong, so thick that nothing else matters and the fact that someone loves you, the very someone who could end your pain but won't, hurts you. I know that in 10 mins, an hour, or a day I will feel differently. But today, its not fair that my fourteen year old son killed him self while there are 1000's of women are killing their unborn children or abusing their children or could give a care less if they were alive. I wanted my son, I still want my son alive. He was my reason for living, he was my reason for not using drugs, he saved me from my self when I was 17 year old. I miss my boy. In 3 months he would have turned 16. I miss my boy.  I love you kid! I'll see you on the flip side, until then, ALL MY LOVE!!!

Side note: I love and trust in GOD! He is amazing is all he does, I know that Christopher's time was up and he served his purpose here on earth. This is just an honest account of a grieving mother's head space at this very moment in time.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

April Challenges Day 3 (and 2 oops)

Well its day 3 and I'm going to be real, the cleaning challenge has been just that a challenge for me. I use my job as Pharmacy Tech as a good excuse not to get up and do it. At the end of my day I am so exhausted from the mental stress (and physical) I go through that I can reason my way out anything. I am going to do today's challenge tonight and then the first and third tomorrow because I do not go into work until the afternoon.
  The being active is easier for me. Yesterday I walked Jena to school, Ernie was going to give her a ride but I chose to walk with her instead. Today my day was very busy so I didn't get to actually do any particular exercise. Working in a pharmacy though can be a very active job, and I did the most active job today to ensure I got some kind of activity in today and I also walk a couple laps around the inside of Walmart shopping with my husband after work.
  Theses challenges have been eye opening to me only 3 days into it and I am having trouble. I have not yet decided to make either of these,  priorities,  in my life. That is evident in my weight and in my very messy house.

Ok, so Day 2's Challenge is:
  • Set the timer for 20 minutes and put toilet cleaner in each of the toilet bowls and let it soak.
  • Remove any items that don’t belong in the bathroom, put away items that need to be put away in the bathroom, empty the trash.
  • Spray and wipe down the sink and tub.
  • Finish swishing and cleaning the toilet.
  • Shake the rugs outside (or throw them in the laundry) and mop or vacuum the floors.
  • Wipe down the outside of the cupboards and clean the mirror.
  • You’re done!

  •  Day 3's Challenge is: 
  • Set the timer for 20 minutes and pick up and put away all items that are out of place. (Bonus: find 7 items to get rid of.)
  • Pull out any items under the bed that don’t below under the bed and make the bed (wash sheets/bedding, if needed).
  • Vacuum/sweep the room. (Bonus: use an attachment on the vacuum to vacuum around the baseboards and vacuum under the bed.)
  • Clean fingerprints on the windows.
  • Bonus: Spot-clean the carpets and walls.
  • You’re done!

  • I will let you know how things go tomorrow!

    Monday, April 1, 2013

    April Challenges

     So a couple of my friends have challenged me this month and well I can find really good reasons to take them up on the challenges. Tara Costa a former Winner of The Biggest Looser has issued a challenge to be active everyday this month . Being active doesn't have to be boring or painful, it can and for me FUN. Crystal Paine of Money Saving Mom has issued the 30 day house cleaning challenge. She will give a chore to do the night before and then check in in the morning and evening. I will be giving updates in the evenings and listing her challenge in the evening. 
    My updates for April 1, 2013
     Today was Jena's last day of spring break (she only gets 2 days) and Ernie and I wanted to make sure she had a great day so we took her to a park and then on to Kaleidoscope. The park we stopped at was a spur of the moment idea, and I am so glad I suggested going to it. We went to the Wyandotte County Lake Playground in Kansas City, Ks. This is the same playground that I went to when I was little and I took Christopher there as well when he was little, but since Jena has always lived in Missouri we have never taken her to this park. The playground has had so many improvements over the years and we had so much fun running from one end to the other playing and sliding and trying to keep our balance.  After we left Kaleidoscope we went to BK for a super late lunch/ early dinner and while we were sitting there she said "I love being HAPPY"!! Wow just what a mom wants to hear!! I have tried to do stuff with Jena that I think that she would like to do and I have ended up not going well.  It blessed me so much to see her so HAPPY!!
     The Cleaning challenge for the day was to
  • Set the timer for 15 minutes and pick up and put away everything that’s out of place. Bonus project: Find 7 things to get rid of.
  • Next, wash the dishes in the kitchen (if there are any), wipe down the counter tops and surfaces in the kitchen.
  • Finally, vacuum the living room.
  • So I challenge you to do the same and start tomorrow April 2, 2013. Check in and let me know how you are doing!!